Struggling – Part 1

Indrani Perera

I’m really struggling with home-ed at the moment. I’m finding spending pretty much 24/7 with the kids quite gruelling. 

My husband and I tried both of us working part time and getting a business of the ground. It was awesome – I felt much happier sharing the load. He was the sport teacher at our “school”. The kids loved time with dad and I loved working from home. The only problem? We weren’t earning enough money to cover rent, food and bills. So he’s gone back to full time work and I’m back to being a full time mum. Our parents are interstate so there’s no respite from family. 

I try very hard to be upbeat and positive in my writing and outlook but there’s this elephant of unhappiness in the room. Reading the last issue of Otherways with all the fabulous successful families and kids made me feel quite inadequate. Am I doing enough for my girls? Are they learning what they should? Do they need more __________(fill in the gap)? 

I’m finding life with my nine year old particularly challenging.
She has a strong will and is pushing back a lot lately. And I’m at a loss. I just don’t know what to do and it’s wearing me out. This constant battle. I’m also finding the sibling squabbles really hard to deal with. 

I suspect today is a bad day and that tomorrow after a good night’s sleep I will feel better. But underlying it all is this feeling of loss. I miss my old life. I miss being independent, in a successful career and having a disposable income. I miss interacting with adults and spending time with friends. Most of all, I miss being me. The me who isn’t a mum, putting her kids first. 

I am trying, ever so slowly to regain a sense of self but its bloody hard work balancing my needs and that of the family’s. I haven’t hit resentment yet but I have hit frustration. There are projects that I want to do and they are taking forever because I have to do them here and there, whenever I have five minutes spare. 

This isn’t the article I was planning to write. It just poured out of me. I haven’t written this article to be a downer. I wanted to honestly share my struggle and how I am feeling in this moment. If you too are struggling with home ed and finding a sense of self, know that you are not alone. 

Otherways 146

A follow up article can be found on our website here, please take the time to read it:

Remembering Why I Chose This Life – Part 2

as well as :

Dear Indrani – Part 3