School ‘Refusal’ School Can’t
By Pavlina McMaster
Going to school is a big expectation that society puts on children (and parents!). Most children cope with this expectation, and go along with it. But what if they can’t?
Dr Ross Greene has a philosophy that underpins all of his work – ‘Kids will do well if they can’. He means that all kids (and adults!) want to do well and meet expectations (of parents, bosses, adults, peers), and if they are not meeting those expectations, it is because they can’t, and not because they won’t. If they have the skills required to do well, then they will. If they do not, they behave maladaptively – ‘acting out’, being explosive, refusing to go to school, being aggressive, hiding away, shutting down, self- harming or worse. For some of us, this ‘lens change’ is a big adjustment, but those that see the rest of the world with this philosophy in mind start to see solutions to the problems kids experience.
The ‘school refusal’ story is one we hear over and over in the home education community. It’s an important story, and one that is not told often enough in the wider community. Parents get blamed – by schools, family, friends, and professionals. Each family is individual, but there are common threads in all their stories. We must accept that neither the child nor the parents are to blame. Overwhelming anxiety underpins the inability of children to go to school.
Everyone in this situation arrives at it with a different journey, but, in the words of Jon Kabat- Zinn, wherever you go, there you are.
What can families do if they find themselves in this situation? One option is to withdraw the child from the mainstream school system, and register for home education. There are many ways of managing family needs around home education, including working parents, single parents, and other children going to school. Unfortunately, there is not enough knowledge in the mainstream education system about what home education is, and what it isn’t. This often means that it is not suggested as a valid option for families to explore.
Home education, especially after a period of deschooling, allows children to rediscover their love of learning, to find what works for them and how they want to direct their own learning. Autonomy is a wonderful, empowering experience. They can pursue their interests, in a calm, relaxed environment, make connections with other families in the home education community, and interact at a level that suits them.
The constant stress of being told they are ‘falling behind’ just exacerbates children’s anxiety. The concept of ‘falling behind’ is a concept unique to the school system. Home-educated children can work at their own pace, learning about content and ideas that resonate with them and are relevant to their lives and interests. This removes the pressure and reduces anxiety associated with learning.
Children are hard-wired to learn. Their innate love of learning is often eroded by the constant expectations of a system in which they do not fit. It is a system that measures them against standardised expectations that do not recognise each child’s uniqueness and developmental timeframes. It is a system that insists it knows best when children are developmentally ready for concepts they are not necessarily ready for.
Our ultimate goal is to have lifelong learners who are enthusiastic, know themselves, their limits and their strengths, value their own abilities and those of the people around them. Accepting that some children can’t go to school respects their limits, their individual needs, and says to them, ‘I get where you are right now. I can meet you there, and together, we can make anything happen.’
Otherways 174 Nov 2022
